| Article from Jezebel |
[23 Jul 2008|12:32pm] |
( We Can't Be Friends Because Your Girlfriend Says So? )
Erik Leach, Mike Hershkovitz, and most every wimp in DC. How about you guys stop dating insecure women that can't control your attraction to other women so they control your interaction with them? Or is it just that much fun dating someone that doesn't trust you?
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[14 Jul 2008|11:04am] |
It's my birthday motherfuckers!!! I finally made it to 21. When you're one of those troubled girls, that's a landmark hah
So Mr. Pinney created a fake account, then bitched to the LJ Abuse team. Maybe I should bitch to the Real People Abuse team. You know, the cops. So he'll be referred to as Mr. Pinney from now on. Because he's the only one that still cares about the whole situation. And why is that? Oh yeah, because he was in the wrong and can't stand the fact that Karma ripped him a new one so elegantly. And the Internet is a very big place, who knows where else a name could pop up? Maybe you should go back to New Doucheshit, Mr. Pinney. DC is brutal, not for those that can't handle having to make it on their own. You, sir, are a spoiled psychopath. Your brother isn't the crazy one, you are. Maybe your parents finally realized that and just don't want to hear your annoying whine every day. Hmmm so maybe don't move back home. You should try areas where the KKK or Neo-Nazis are prevalent, I hear they love white men that pass judgment on everyone and are physically violent. And I'm sure they'll get a kick out of the fact that you beat up a little black girl. You're a shoo-in!
311 tomorrow!
In other news, I got a light up bong, a pretty blue bubbler, a grinder, and the first box of Nag Champa that I've had all to myself in about a year haha. The sherlock is named Cockhead. My first choice the The Blue Bubbler because it sounds like a Batman villain that blows bubbles that detonate like bombs when they pop. I just have an overactive imagination. I picked Cockhead because Melissa's brother called someone that and now it's been added to my ever-expanding list of ways to personally but not cruelly insult someone. For example: Mr. Pinney is a rip-roaring cockhead! See how it works? The bong isn't getting named until tonight, it's my Birthday Bong. If I can't think of a good one, I'll just see which song 311 plays the best and go from there. I'm already thinking Six; this is my 6th thing I've bought to smoke out of. I count papers as the first because I had to use them for a looooooong ass time. Then it's my little bowl, then Bubblehouse, then Summer Romance, then Cockhead, then Birthday Bong. Hur hur hur I'll spell it Sixxx I'm so clever hah
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[07 Jul 2008|10:00am] |
Short films/documentaries/animations that you may have never seen that I really think everyone should see:
+A Stranger in Her Own City: Documentary following a Yemeni girl that refuses to wear her veil. Najmia is the director/narrator's embodiment of her own rebellion against harsh traditions. I think she is magnificent and indeed "worth 5 boys", as the Imam of the Great Mosque described her. The President (Prime Minister? Head Bitch in Charge?) of Yemen saw the film and offered to pay for her education, after Najmia's father took her out of school and forced her to wear the veil 7 months after filming concluded. It's a very hopeful film; if a 13 year old in the streets of Yemen can get it, doesn't that mean IT isn't found in those shinyfastsexy things they want us to buy?
+Kitchen: hilarious French short about a woman trying at any and all costs to cook a damn lobster dinner.
+High Falls: short with Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Ebon Moss-Bachrach. Funny in the way running over your Happy-Ending-indulging husband's dog is funny. Though he is obviously not supposed to be the focus, my favorite character is Jackson, played by Ebon Moss-Bachrach. Overlooking the fact that I find him ridiculously sexy, his involvement in the relationship between Gyllenhaal's and Sarsgaard's characters seems to be what is keeping the marriage afloat (that wordplay will seem more witty once you've seen the film). He is their respective confidant, and often uses his omniscience to agitate the couple, but ultimately he toasts their "simplicity" and effectively steering the two away from a burgeoning fight. I also suspect he may be the father of the baby Gyllenhaal is 7 months pregnant with at the time the story takes place. This is being made into a feature-length film, so hopefully the exchange that sparked that suspicion is clarified.
+Strange Culture: In May of 2004, biological artist Steve Kurtz calls 911 after his wife and co-founder of the Critical Art Ensemble dies of heart failure. Paramedics responding to the call notice petri dishes and lab equipment in the home. Of course, so soon after the attacks of September 11th and the subsequent anthrax scares, all kinds of higher-ups are called, until Kurtz finds himself explaining to an FBI agent that the Arabic writing she had found in his home was an invitation to an art exhibit. And, of course, the expected idiocy of the government in regards to anything they don't have a specialist for lead to Kurtz being arrested and indicted for wire/mail fraud. Which a 5 year old can tell you is just a way to cover their ass. It is a highly recommended watch for everyone, not just artists, because it is a case of a professor, someone even American society respects, being treated like a bioterrorist of the worst degree. All because some paramedic can't tell a hazardous material generator from a fucking petri dish. Don't they have to take science classes too? MAYBE if scientific materials and research were easier to locate, access, and toy with on an individual level (granted measures have been taken to at least verify the basis and sincerity of the scientific curiosity), this wouldn't have happened in the first place. Oh, and the charges weren't dropped until April of THIS year.
+Two Cars, One Night: Short from New Zealand, also being made into a feature-length, also quite remarkable, given the fact that for 12 minutes you're watching the evolution of interaction between 2 8 year old boys and a 10 year old girl. The cinematography is gorgeous, and I always find myself desperately wanting to see more of the characters, to know what happens tomorrow and when they get older. I think I just really like the end credit's song :)
+La Chatte Andalouse: French short film. Honey-harvesting nun helps a dying Andalusian by finishing an art project involving plaster, condoms, and alizarin rose pigment. With an amazing bellydancing scene. What else can I say?
+Madame Tutli-Putli: Canadian animation about a woman on a train. More entertaining than you'd think. Keep an eye out for men in suitcases playing chess, my favorite characters.
+Death to the Tinman: Explains the Tinman's history, and why we find him heartless in Oz.
+American Outrage: Informative and highly depressing film about the struggle of the Shoshone peoples to live the way their moral and natural codes dictate while their land, horses, and cattle are being swallowed by the American government. I STRONGLY recommend viewing this, not enough people have seen an armed authority manhandle an old Native woman, maybe if enough do something will change. Please watch it. I can just see how future generations will be told the pilgrims were actually the first settlers once all traces of real Native history and culture have been razed and sold. Even if you don't care, it's a compelling film about a woman fighting with all she's got to maintain her identity. And isn't that the American way?
+Chonto/Bobby Bird series: Funny as shit animation, won me over in less than a minute. Funny in the way your drunk Uncle Bobby is funny.
+House Hunting: Stars Zooey Deschanel and Paul Rudd. I'm pretty sure this is how it will be if Forrest and I ever have to go house hunting. Funny the way O. Henry is funny. And if you know that reference, you might even know where I'm getting all these movies :)
Another good one to check out is Heavy Metal Jr. Not the best in terms of documentary style but good god if it isn't adorable to see a 10 year old debate whether a lyric should be penned as "Satan rock" or "Satan rocks". Watch out for a past-his-prime father trying to recapture a youth he didn't actually live, and a wicked hot music store employee.
More soon, because summer is half over and the major studios have only been able to put out one good movie. And I don't even think it counts because Pixar ALWAYS puts out gold. They probably take throw-aways from other studios and scribble on them and voila! Toy Story. SO, I'd like to share the films I've been watching to keep my brain from dehydrating.
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[03 Jul 2008|01:16am] |
There's this movie, Love and Sex. I found it through OnDemand (my new Jesus). And the first time I watched it, I couldn't help but make obvious comparisons between Adam&Kate and Forrest&Denise. Adam: neurotic painter that ends his relationship with Kate to sow his wild oats, only to find Kate is the only one he wants. Kate: sarcastic writer with horrible luck with men (due to her own inability to differentiate love and sex) that transfers her feelings for Adam to a dim-witted actor, ironically the star of Adam's favorite movies. At times, I'm Adam (neurotic painter: check. pushing away the one person in the entire world that gets you because you want to "be single": CHECK.), but for the most part I'm Kate, outspoken to a fault and constantly searching for real love but coming up short for various reasons. Forrest has a similarly bad track record but he has more of Adam's qualities, especially the offbeat perspective and inherent strength despite internal insecurity about weakness. I've dated other guys in between the first time I dated Forrest and this time, and it's amazing how I really thought I'd find another connection like that. It's like...you know you existed before you met the person, but it seems as if life didn't start until after that crucial moment. He's my best friend, the person I can't wait to see, the lighthearted literary cynic to my increasingly jaded punkrockflowerchild. He is the words and I am the music. Other guys can't seem to get the lyrics right and I'm the only melody he wants to hear. I know things won't always seem so sunshiny, but I'm actually looking forward to fights and bad times, so we can get to the other side of them where the sun shines brighter.
Alright, enough of that. Took a field trip to Dunkin Donuts with Jacob, I enjoyed myself, but I think we both just want a friend like us in the area. The best thing to come of the night was the quote "My elbows feel light" (trust me, it's fucking hilarious). It's easy to latch onto someone you get along with romantically but he's old enough and I'm experienced enough to know when friends is the best option. And he's kind of not my type; he doesn't eat enough junk food. Forrest has a slight addiction to Baconators, which I find absolutely adorable and the perfect match to my addiction to...any bad food you set in front of me haha
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[01 Jul 2008|10:44pm] |
From a young man being asphyxiated in a cell by police (doesn't matter if he was guilty OR if they deny a cop did it) to a mentally ill woman dying alone on the floor of a waiting room after security guards, nurses AND a doctor neglected her, I am thoroughly disgusted with how little anyone in this country cares about anyone else.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?
What if you got a call at lunchtime Sunday, right after whatever religious service you attend, and were informed your son had died while in isolation in police custody? What if your mother, so trusting in the ability and professionalism of the people paid to take care of her, died on the floor of a waiting room, while people looked on and didn't care?
It is time for a goddamn revolution. It's BEEN time, but people have forgotten how. How about we start by fucking paying attention to how horribly people are being treated? GET ANGRY, PEOPLE. Wake the FUCK up. Life is not term papers and grade point averages and drinking games. Maybe to some of you it is, but I like to think there's more. But as long as the majority of you are content playing flip cup and ignoring the dismal state of affairs because it doesn't personally touch your life, then we're going to plunge further into this shithole our country has driven itself into. Land of the free? Free to do what? Go to Disneyland and eat McDonalds? Wow, what freedom! By pledging allegiance to our flag, you TOO can become a slave to corporate consumerism and an economic structure where only white males can really succeed. New plan: Fredericksburg, Philly/Cali for a spell, then getting the fuck out of here and expatriating. I'll test the theory that the US is the greatest country on earth. I beg to differ already but some people like hard evidence, so off I go. Unless of course hell freezes over and we turn this disgusting country around. Because almost 21 years have gone by with NO PROGRESS. In fact, shit's gotten worse. Explain that.
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[24 Jun 2008|09:32am] |
THAT was really pathetic. Pretending to be a woman? Tsk tsk Brandon, you should know I'm too smart to believe you could get anyone to agree to habitate the same breathing space as you, let alone date your sorry ass. Spam'n'ban! Maybe instead of hounding me all goddamn day, you should figure out how you're going to deal with the fact that your life has indeed changed. Now be a grown-up, accept change, and get over yourself. Good day, sir!
And if you plan on doing the obvious thing and posting the meager information you have about me, go right ahead. Unlike you, I'm honest and forthright about my behavior, so really anything you say will just be a boring redundancy. And you also forget that I have made a life for myself where I'm utterly surrounded in life, love, and employment by people that ::gasp:: don't judge me. Sadly, the same can't be said for you. In fact, you'd be hard to find an art dealer or gallery curator that didn't half expect their artists to be the most internally unstable beings to ever hang art in their space, but again unlike you, I am able to forge relationships and keep my baggage MY OWN. It is a taut, and for some, impossible thread to walk, between impish pixie and self-centered asshole, I have learned how and zip along merrily. You fell off a long time ago, and we both know which side you landed on.
Maybe you should learn to smile more. That's always a good start.
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[17 Jun 2008|12:28pm] |
It's funny how desperation takes its toll. I got several phonecalls from one Mr. Pinney while I was at Bonnaroo (more on that amazing time later) because his life is fucked up because he tried to fuck me up. And now wants my sympathy. I changed the posting about how he is a complete fuck-up just so he'd leave me alone. He offered to pay me, but unlike him I can't be bought. I jokingly asked for half a mil and 2 pounds of headies, I should make that my permanent asking price haha
I know you're asking yourselves, "What kind of person acts like a complete asshole to someone and then asks for a favor?" The answer: Mr. Pinney, but it's the behavior of pretty much all NoVa guys, especially those that live in the Arlington area it seems. Well, Dustin was a huuuuge toolbag and he lived in Reston, but that area collects horrible people too. I'm so glad I left that place, I got trapped in that crap for too long.
Ok so Bonnaroo. This might be a long one (and I'll come back and add more as I remember everything).
Days were fun, nights were explosive. Bisco lifted my heart and drove my body to the point of physical insanity. My good friend Molly had a bit of help with that too :) Stomping feet, swinging arms, move your hips side to side. There was a girl I saw at Sigur Ros and Robert Plant that I would have loved to have known. She was a bright star among the masses; I wonder if anyone thought that of me as I danced. I'd like to say that my gyrations incited others to join the dance, but if I needed no motivation, who's to say they didn't either. But I can say that once I started, I noticed the people around me, previously stationary, would slowly dip their toes in the rapid beats, finding a place to move inside the music. Contagious and outrageous. I lied on the grass for Sigur Ros, mind cartwheeling from opium and shrooms. As I finished the poppy joint, a passerby (male) walked over me, passing right through the cloud of sweet smelling smoke hovering above me. One look back to see the source, one phrase exclaimed in immediate approval. "Oh, you are SO fucking awesome." If he'd had the courage, I would have shared. Many passed over me, many caught my eye. Many were caught openly staring (I was wearing a black sundress sans bra). Very few approached. I guess I'm intimidating. In the good way, as most of the ones that did approach me had positive things to say. I was making my way back to camp one night (we were in Camp Roger Murdock, prime location about 10 minutes from Centeroo and 2 minutes from bathrooms and food), beat from another day of dancing with the Roo but ready to gear up for another night of the same. By this time, I've learned how to walk with my head up, instead of keeping my eyes focused on the ground. Then I hear "I like your smile" barely loud enough to hear, but directed at none other than me. I hadn't even realized I'd been smiling.
The vendors seemed to love me. First I met the two cutest little hippie chicks ever selling hats and grinders and other things stoned hippies might want to purchase in the hills of Tennessee. They thought I was the cutuest little hippie chick hah. Very cool. The best vendor experience had to be one of the brewers in the beer garden. Starr Hill beer, brewed right in Charlottesville, VA. Got a sample of both The Love and Northern Lights. Both were FANTASTIC. It's pretty much the beer I've been looking for, light, tasty, sweet, not too much of an aftertaste, just enough to want to take another gulp. Perfect. Anyways, I get the samples and the girl behind the table asks if I'll wear one of their stickers and that I put it "somewhere fun" (free advertisement on a cute girl in a bikini and a skirt never hurts; they actually ran out of Northern Lights). My response is, "Why do I know just where it's supposed to go?", and the girl laughs and slides another sticker over, "How about 2 then?" I'm having a good time and their beer is delicious so I play along and put both stickers strategically on my top. The guy behind the table busts out the Polaroid and takes my picture, my hands on my hips, my hips cocked to the side and a devious smile on my face. His name was Deke, I completely forget her name (Meredith? Beth?). I sent them an email last night, just to praise them for helping make my Bonnaroo so awesome. And to tell them what I'm sure they already know, that their product is phenomenal. Seriously, everyone find some Starr Hill, I'd go so far as to say that their seasonals are better than Sam Adams'. But they do market and produce tastes to please my demographic, so I could be biased. Mayble I'll get some free beer from the email. Or Deke's number :)
Speaking of males, there was this guy at the Bisco set that looked suspiciously like this guy I knew from Uarts' summer program and when we both attended. Brown hair tucked under a bandanna, tie-dye shirt, sandals. I was going crazy dancing and he came up and started dancing close enough that if I turned to my left, we'd technically be dancing together. And I really wanted to but Forrest was there and I didn't want to disrespect him (we talked about that later and lo and behold Forrest knows he can't dance and doesn't care if I dance with those that can). But the way he kept looking back at me made me regret being attached, even as loosely defined as my relationship with Forrest is. I want to dance, and let others dance with me. There was another time a guy seemed to want to approach but wasn't sure if he could. At Sigur Ros, it seemed one guy was going to see just how brave he was, he and his friends sat right by me, he was THE cutest, with blond hair and a gorgeous face, I cursed him for his timing. Just as he sat next to me, Forrest came up (maybe he saw the guys moving in my direction and raced over). I could hear his friends egging him on, telling him to "yank the chain of destiny". I wonder if he'll remember me.
There is one person that I'm sure will remember me. Bill the Drug Dealer haha Forrest's friend Tom met him while he was at camp alone and bought a ton of shit off him for a decent price so he asked Bill to hang around until we got back so we could conduct some business too. Forrest got some stuff, not the rainbow of substances Tom did, but a nice little war chest. I ran into him the next morning by the toilets, he was getting a breakfast steak burrito (he was a rather large man), he almost didn't remember me, then remembered that my friends bought half his shit and came back to our camp to chill out. He gave me 3 hits of acid $20, good guy. We let him pass out under our canopy because he was nice and funny as hell. We didn't see him again after that, we think he just sold the rest of his shit and went home. Tom found organic headies the last day though (the only thing he didn't have was weed, he had hash, opium, acid, coke, and shrooms). So all's well that ends well.
Tom's friends were cute and funny. I thought the brunette from Boston (Mark? Mike?) and the blonde superhippie (Pete?) were absolutely adorable. As the days went by I came to appreciate Aaron, the only one whose name I can actually remember with certainty and the one that gave me the Molly the night of Bisco. Because of him I danced for 3 hours straight. The other guy didn't really talk to me, I actually didn't see him except for the first day and right when they were about to leave. Aaron totally had a crush on me :) And I caught Tom staring at my tits more than once. Hell more than 10 times haha
311 is going to be ridiculous. Dance dance dance dance I love to dance :)
I should go to Camp Bisco this year, it's looking sick.
Who I saw at Bonnaroo:
Vampire Weekend, Dark Star Orchestra, Umphrey's McGee, Bela Fleck, the very very very end of Willie Nelson, Chris Rock, My Morning Jacket, DISCO BISCUITS, Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings, Gogol Bordello, BB KING, Ben Folds, The Coup, Sigur Ros, Israel Vibration, Robert Randolph, Yonder Mountain String Band, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, and motherfucking Widespread Panic.
AND I SAW EMI SAVACOOL, who I haven't seen since freshman year of college! She was sitting right next to me during Gogol Bordello. She walked by and we both kind of checked each other out, then freaked out when we realized who the other was. Good stuff :)
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[05 Jun 2008|06:35pm] |
I am so glad I don't have to call this dumb-dumb Mrs. Nick Hexum. Good boy, Nick! HOT MESS
Seriously, if they'd gotten married I'd go to every 311 show with a t-shirt that said "Why, Nick, WHY???" And his ass would know EXACTLY what I'm talking about too. And yes, my ass is addicted to gossip blogs, the gay men that write them are fucking hilarious :)
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[23 Apr 2008|10:59pm] |
I think I've finally (sort of) found a good balance for myself. Being raised in a European country during my formative years definitely took its toll on me; I can't bring myself to work a "real" job for more than 4-6 months at a time until I need to nourish other parts of my life. I do like to work, it establishes great social skills and brings me into contact with a ton of different kinds of people, the kind that smoking pot and being an artist normally wouldn't. But then I get itchy feet and need to find a sunny state to maintain a...sunny state ha. But the key to my personal success is getting something significant to my artistic growth done before I let myself...indulge my lunatic ;) I completed to my satisfaction, or as close as it as I've ever come, an acrylic painting that I'm sure I could bullshit someone into buying. Not saying it's a masterpiece, just that there's an idiot born every minute. Anyways, I did that and then took a week off to just...have fun. The challenge will be to sit my ass down and focus on Bongoddess when I get back. Which will be easy because I looooove that piece and I'm excited to get knee-deep in it. I'm actually excited to get back and work on it, which is something no school assignment has ever done. Cool. Very cool.
I have a date next Thursday. We both know it's nothing serious, it's just an opportunity to get all cute and eat on someone else's dime :) But Bryan (from Carlyle) sent me a message the other day, and I can only wonder why he felt the need to do so...
It is hard work living a life of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. It's easy to follow someone else's plan, to do what everyone else before you has done. To believe, as your father and grandfather and so forth believed, that one must forget personal happiness to become responsible and relevant. Rather, it's a personal responsibility to find a relevant happiness. Finding happiness in things that won't do anything to make your life better is wasted energy and not worth the time spent. But finding happiness in things that will benefit your universe and by default everyone else's, that is the meaning. That is truly exhausting because it is the work of the mind, body, AND soul. Booyow.
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[22 Apr 2008|12:32pm] |
Dear Aspie:
“I haven't been in a long-term relationship for about six years. I've tried some dating, but by the time I feel that I have successfully secured a relationship, more often than not I realize that I haven't taken the time to get to know the woman and she's not what I had believed she was and I bail out. So how do I continue to "bust a move", convincing a woman that I'm worth her while when I feel like I need her to show me who she is as well? I seem to have a knack for finding the women that tell me that they love me after knowing me for less than a week. I feel so screwed, so damned to be dateless. Why bother? Except I am lonely, and I hate it.”
--littleoctagon
If science’s forays into human behavior have taught us anything, it is that our behavior has a mind-boggling complexity to it. This includes aspies.
One almost magical pattern that nevertheless has a scientific basis is the idea that we “pull in” certain types of people. It’s like relationship karma. Everybody has seen it: the man who says he wants a committed relationship but can’t seem to refrain from hooking up one-night stands. Or how about the sweet woman who swears she wants a nice guy but dates one abusive jerk after another?
You’ve spotted a pattern like this in yourself. You’re pulling in women who will pretend to be something they are not so that they can immediately enjoy the shelter of a man’s love. As an aspie, you’re a sucker for such a ruse, because you don’t sense the game they are playing intuitively. You jump in, and only then does it dawn on you that the pool is full of maple syrup.
So that leaves us with your last question: “Why bother?” Well, maybe your pattern is a way for your subconscious (so to speak) to sabotage a relationship you don’t really want. Ask yourself, “I say I want a relationship, but I’m not making it happen, either because the relationship is bad or not there at all. Is it really what I want?” You may find that you really don’t want a relationship right now and are seeking one only because these days the entire developed world is in a frenzy over sex, egged on by advertising, entertainment, the Internet, and wacko social norms.
If you do want a relationship, then I recommend changing the one thing you seek to change in others: be up-front and truthful about yourself. Rather than trying to “bust a move”, as you put it, be yourself—to a fault. Be kind, but let your true nature come out in full view, and say what you think.
Now, many women will be turned off, since most people can’t handle autistic behavior. It’s too honest and too raw. This will be difficult for you to bear at first. But a few women will be drawn to the real you, the honest, childlike, beautiful you. They’ll find you fresh and exciting. These women will be different, not the ones you’ve pulled in before, the ones who compulsively seek to be sheltered and taken care of at the expense of everything else. No, these will be strong women, ones who esteem honesty. And they will have the desire to show you their true selves just as you’ve shown yourself to them. You will have an entirely new basis for relationships.
It takes courage for an aspie to show his true self to others. It goes against a lifetime of hiding and shame, because we think everyone would rather see an act we put on. But the act is pulling in relationships you don’t want. So bear it all and break the pattern. We’ll be rooting for you!
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Browsing through forums, very pertinent article to understand the contradictions in my own relationships. It is a very hard lesson to learn when you finally are completely yourself and discover 98% of the world you find yourself in just can't take the intensity of your sincerity. Pussies.
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[10 Apr 2008|07:23pm] |
So much anxiety. Because soon my parents will see just how foolish, immature, DUMB I am and the silence that follows will be just like high school. This is a Test, mom and dad. Probably THE test for us; in the face of your daughter at her worst, will you look upon her with shame, disgust, anger? Or will you realize a child is not a science experiment that can either fail or succeed, but a person -- a severely flawed person -- but a person nonetheless and just as you weren't given instructions on how to raise me, I wasn't given any on how to BE me. I honestly don't know who had the harder task.
My dad just wrote me a note, talking about how good people always have detractors trying to bring them down. Little do either of them know that the way they handle this situation will dictate whether they are among those ranks. If they yell, curse, belittle, sigh, do the huffpuffteethsuck (that I HATE, mom), then as sure as I'll hear those heavy footsteps back and forth, up and down the hall, I will formulate a plan to put as much distance possible between myself and the walking orchestra of maternal disappointment as fast as all the wheels and cogs in my head will spin. The obvious destination is Philadelphia. But...as much as I love that city and all the people that love me there (Melissa is a lot like me so she's helped me understand myself in a way that ISN'T isolated from everyone else), every time I let my mind wander to thoughts of putting my feet in different streets, I wonder if maybe I should give Arizona another shot...
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| wishes |
[26 Mar 2008|08:39pm] |
I wish we could magically erase the past month. At least the past week.
I wish someday in the future, that should I dare to dial your number, your voice will answer and our friendship can find new life in older, smarter people.
I wish that the last time we had sex wasn't a half-assed effort where I didn't even get off.
I wish I didn't miss the parts of you I was shown when I was agreeable or whatever you want to call the period of happiness I also wish we both experienced.
I wish I hadn't met you, but I can't imagine how I would have spent this time without you. I wish I didn't miss those parts of you because I know what you think of me and how you see me now and I can't help but wonder how two people could spend so much time together with only one person actually listening and learning about the other.
I wish you didn't have to be so angry all the time. And that everything didn't have to suck or be shitty. There are times for anger and frustration, yes, but you were growing increasingly negative. And then wondered why I huddled under a blanket with a book after a while. You didn't want me to be aggressive, yet always threw out negative or aggressive comments or taunts.
I know damn well you never cared one bit about me so really, I wish I never cared about you. That's how you're able to hurt me, you know you feel nothing towards me but I did at some point care very deeply for you. I have learned to ignore the temptation of reminiscing happier days. Entire days I spent with you, blind with the bliss of you wanting me around. Sitting in your tub, pretending I belonged there. Waking up to you wrapping one of us around the other, I thought for closeness and intimacy, now I know just for the warmth. Collapsing on your bed and instantly being surrounded by the way you smell. The way you used to actually smile sometimes.
"There's nothing wrong with your face, I just meant that when you smile, it...glows."
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| A note on Mr. Pinney |
[24 Mar 2008|02:52pm] |
One Mr. Pinney was a seller of marijuana and ecstasy, with distributors and buyers in New Hampshire, MD, and VA (despite currently being on probation for possession) at the time and date of this entry. He owns a handgun, that he has threatened myself and family members with (unprovoked, he sent numerous texts during this day just to inform me that he feels it necessary to shoot me on-sight). He beat the fuck out of me today, after damaging property of mine and tried to say I deserved what I got, worse even, as he only "hit me open-palmed and should have fucking killed me".
And I definitely have written statements, from Mr. Pinney to myself that confirm these allegations.
Consider this a public service announcement.
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| Must. Get. To. Toronto. |
[26 Feb 2008|05:55pm] |
http://www.medicalcompassionclinic.com/default.aspx?TabID=19998
A fucking APPLICATION?? AND PMS IS ONE OF THE ELIGIBLE SYMPTOMS. Such a better option than fucking Midol with its amphetamines, shit fucks your body up. And Health Care is free so I can just stroll into a clinic, complain of agonizing cramps, fill out the application and fill my prescription.
Have I mentioned recently how much I hate the US's dependency on the cotton industry? Hemp is far superior. Introduce that and legalization isn't far behind. But there are always people that think that just because they don't like having fun that no one else should be able to make the choice to have fun either. And they usually have a lot of money. Because their greedy asses don't give it to the arts and those that need it more, like us "poor hippies" do. They aren't even contributing to the ECONOMY anymore, the place they fucking got the money in the first place, so we're ALL fucked haha
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[20 Feb 2008|10:01pm] |
Oh goddammit.
Went to see a band play. Innocent.
Danced to the music they played. Innocent.
Caught eyes with the bassist a couple times. Innocent.
Smiled back when he smiled at me. Innocent.
Giggled at his flirting, and did some of my own. Still Innocent.
Got his number. Innocent.
The conversation we just had. NOT Innocent. AT ALL. It was just more flirting of the "Do you know what I'd do to you" variety. But STILL!
He's DAMN cute though. And knows what Illadelph and Disco Biscuits and Allgood are. And blows glass. Not fair. Or maybe this is my consolation prize, as awful as it is to call him that. I can't have Brandon through no fault of my own so I'm being given an easy target.
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[15 Feb 2008|01:50pm] |
I get it. But does my willingness to accept the situation equate to readiness to accept the fact that I can't change the situation? Am I giving up just because I know there is no possible outcome that would declare me as the winner? Is it still considered failure? Am I even the one losing?
Yes.
Because I'm the only one that would appreciate the fruits of a more intimate endeavor. You don't wonder how sweet it could be, how lush life could be. You are happy merely taking what may appear to be the most flavorful and useful parts. It is terribly frustrating being an apple when everyone wants a pomegranate? And I'm a damn good apple too...
It doesn't matter how smart I am, how cute I am, how many times I make you laugh. I can't make you see me as anything more than some 20 year old that you keep for entertainment value.
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[12 Feb 2008|01:01pm] |
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GO AWAY BRANDON!!! You nosy bitch. =)
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[21 Jan 2008|07:17pm] |
Go to Google. Search the term "stone and steel sculpture". The very first response. That's where I'm going. To work. And live.
Crazy.
I'm going to stay at least until the fall; I still have every intention of moving back to my beloved Philadelphia. But this is the best opportunity I, as a dropout, could ever hope to have at this stage. Steve has a ton of materials and tools, and I get to keep whatever I make. I get my own house on 10,000 acres. I'm a stone's throw from Wintergreen ski resort, so I can keep snowboarding. I can stay as long or as little as I want. And Steve sounds pretty awesome from our conversations. I'm excited :)
The Kids Next Door grand finale episode is on and it's better than any sitcom or dramatic series finale. Having to get a sabertooth pie as part of a scavenger hunt to win a birthday cake? A character named Count Spankulot? Genius. Hahahaha a talking toilet called Potty Mouth just called the cake a doody-filled poo poo cake! I love children's television.
Tomorrow I hope to print out the film from Great Falls. Why does it seem like Carlyle was holding me back? Because they were haha, I never wanted to do things like I do now. Fuck what everyone says. I'd rather live like a broke-ass nomad than do that routine one more day. I just can't do it. I don't need monetary security. I don't need job status. I don't need promotions. I don't need an employee number to punch in and out with everyday. I don't need a general manager, an assistant general manager, a slew of incompetant sub-managers, AND a lead hostess feeding me the same bullshit every time they open their mouths. And now I get the exquisite pleasure of walking in there and saying "I'm not coming back; I hate it here and what this company REALLY stands for". I would love to say I'm going to walk in there and tell them to fuck themselves, but they know what Sylvia looks like and I know she likes it there.
I met Adam, by the way. He's pretty cool, he reminds me of someone I had an intense crush on in Philly. Gap in his teeth and everything...
Oh my god, there's an amusement park about potty training in the cartoon. And a ride called the Drop-a-Log. Why, oh why, must Kids Next Door be over???
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[17 Jan 2008|07:45pm] |
I woke up this morning actually WANTING to do something. Something productive. And I actually did it. I woke up pretty much right when it started snowing and all I could think about was how Great Falls would look covered in snow.
Gorgeous. I actually wasn't ready for how beautiful it would look. I shot two rolls of film there and took a few digital shots around my neighborhood and in the car on the way home. I drove up to the gate and the guy was like "What are you planning on doing here today?!" I said I wanted to take some pictures and he let me in free!! I put my money in the donation box anyways, gotta keep places like that alive to keep people like me alive. I'm going to go to Glen Echo Park rec center tomorrow and print these out. I have a lot of work to do in just 3 weeks, I canNOT let myself procrastinate or fall behind. I'm going to finish my paintings and the drawing too.
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fenderwhore's journal