Waiting for the Sun

Article from Jezebel

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:38:18 GMT

I am, it appears, somewhat unusual in my penchant for staying friends — close friends, even — with some of my exes. Although there's a new show based on the concept (personally, I think Jo and Slade qualify more as business partners than "friends") and tons of columns about getting in touch with your exes, several of mine are no more than a phone call away (and I'm not even talking about a booty call). Maybe because emotional intimacy doesn't come that easily to me — or, one could argue, the guys that I date — when I have some with someone I tend to be willing to do the work to keep that person around, whether it's a female friend, male friend or even ex-boyfriend. Not that keeping them around is always up to me, though — sometimes it ends up being the decision of a third party entirely.

It's not unusual for two girlfriends to break up — it sucks, but it's not unusual. And I've had friendships cool, certainly, particularly when the woman (or dude) in question is the type who disappears when she/he has a Man. But I've never felt quite as discarded and devalued as when a male friend (normally an ex that I've gone through emotional hell with in order to stay friends) friend-dumps me because his new girlfriend/wife doesn't like us being friends. Especially when it's an ex, especially when you've already done the break-up emotions once and come out the other side into a decent and occasionally even close friendship, it sucks because it's being dumped for being a girl.

This has happened to me three times, and only once has any (minimal) contact ever been re-established. The first time was with my friend Rob — we had one of those emotionally intense, on-again-off-again relationships in college at the end of which the best friend of the girl-he'd-dumped-me-for-that-he-dumped-for-me described in detail overlap and what he'd said about me to me and 5 colleagues at a work event. I told him I was done for good and actually meant it. But it had been a year that meant a lot to us both and we worked really hard to stay friends, right up until he started dating "Lisa." Lisa was not a fan of mine and situation was not helped when he introduced us and then told her later that we'd had a "passionate on-again, off-again relationship" for more than a year. After that, I didn't see much of him until graduation. When I hugged him to say goodbye for what I thought was for good, she stomped her foot, pitched a hissy and insisted on leaving. They broke up 3 months later and our friendship got a lot closer. Two years later, they got back together and got married. After announcing his engagement to me, he stopped speaking to me entirely. At that point, we'd been friends for 3 years longer than we'd ever been lovers and I had a serious relationship of my own, but she told him that if she was his wife, then he had to cut ties and he did — without saying a word. He simply fell off the face of the earth (though he did call me for my birthday 3 years later to apologize and explain that he'd done it for her).

The second time was with Tom, who I considered to be my first adult relationship. We'd been friends for 3 years, dated for almost 2 and stayed friends for more than a year after that, hanging out in New York when I was there and talking on the phone. All that changed when he got together with "Sara," herself a long-time friend of his. Suddenly, he didn't pick up the phone when he saw my number, didn't return an email, never called back. Nine months into radio silence, he called to tell me he and Sara were getting married and she didn't approve of us being friends and that was the end of 6 years of (mostly) friendship.

The last time was with Mike, who I dated for 3 years. It was headed in a rather serious direction when he decided he wanted to make sure I was The One — an undertaking he took through personal ads on the Internet which I subsequently discovered. Much crying later, we broke up — after which I slept in his bed (platonically) for a week. We kept hanging out, kept lines of communication open, worked really hard to get past that awkward stage of what you really tell the other person and finally arrived somewhere pretty good where we could get dinner and laugh and tell stories, talk on the phone, and see each other at parties and feel good about it. And then along came The Accountant. That's all he ever called her to me, but soon after, the dinners stopped, and the phone calls got less frequent and the emails didn't get returned. Six months later, I saw him on a subway platform and he acted as though I didn't exist. Three years together and a year of being friends and I was relegated to the status of someone he preferred not to know (even though he was the one who'd done me wrong).

I mean, I know I can't say for sure that Lisa or Sara or The Accountant asked for me to be gotten rid of, or whether Rob, Tom and Mike just decided it was too much trouble to keep me around and deal with jealousy or conversations or even just the non-existent threat of those (but, having met Lisa and Sara, I have a pretty good idea it was the former). I'm sure I could've tried dating and being friends with men with the balls to say "She is my friend, and she's no threat to us so please trust me and get to know her and stop treating me as though I will be unfaithful," but that's another problem. But if you're that woman who is pressuring a boyfriend to dump his female friends, just know that some of us actually aren't interested in getting back together with our exes. Sometimes, us ex-girlfriend types might actually appreciate your boyfriend as a friend, as a person who's known us better than average and has a welcome perspective on our friendship. And then maybe think about how you felt the last time a friend ditched you for a boyfriend or a girlfriend and invite me for a drink. I'm actually a pretty good friend.

source:
http://jezebel.com/5027322/we-cant-be-friends-because-your-girlfriend-says-so

Erik Leach, Mike Hershkovitz, and most every wimp in DC. How about you guys stop dating insecure women that can't control your attraction to other women so they control your interaction with them? Or is it just that much fun dating someone that doesn't trust you?

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:32:29 GMT

It's my birthday motherfuckers!!! I finally made it to 21. When you're one of those troubled girls, that's a landmark hah

So Mr. Pinney created a fake account, then bitched to the LJ Abuse team. Maybe I should bitch to the Real People Abuse team. You know, the cops. So he'll be referred to as Mr. Pinney from now on. Because he's the only one that still cares about the whole situation. And why is that? Oh yeah, because he was in the wrong and can't stand the fact that Karma ripped him a new one so elegantly. And the Internet is a very big place, who knows where else a name could pop up? Maybe you should go back to New Doucheshit, Mr. Pinney. DC is brutal, not for those that can't handle having to make it on their own. You, sir, are a spoiled psychopath. Your brother isn't the crazy one, you are. Maybe your parents finally realized that and just don't want to hear your annoying whine every day. Hmmm so maybe don't move back home. You should try areas where the KKK or Neo-Nazis are prevalent, I hear they love white men that pass judgment on everyone and are physically violent. And I'm sure they'll get a kick out of the fact that you beat up a little black girl. You're a shoo-in!

311 tomorrow!

In other news, I got a light up bong, a pretty blue bubbler, a grinder, and the first box of Nag Champa that I've had all to myself in about a year haha. The sherlock is named Cockhead. My first choice the The Blue Bubbler because it sounds like a Batman villain that blows bubbles that detonate like bombs when they pop. I just have an overactive imagination. I picked Cockhead because Melissa's brother called someone that and now it's been added to my ever-expanding list of ways to personally but not cruelly insult someone. For example: Mr. Pinney is a rip-roaring cockhead! See how it works? The bong isn't getting named until tonight, it's my Birthday Bong. If I can't think of a good one, I'll just see which song 311 plays the best and go from there. I'm already thinking Six; this is my 6th thing I've bought to smoke out of. I count papers as the first because I had to use them for a looooooong ass time. Then it's my little bowl, then Bubblehouse, then Summer Romance, then Cockhead, then Birthday Bong. Hur hur hur I'll spell it Sixxx I'm so clever hah

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:15:54 GMT

Short films/documentaries/animations that you may have never seen that I really think everyone should see:

+A Stranger in Her Own City: Documentary following a Yemeni girl that refuses to wear her veil. Najmia is the director/narrator's embodiment of her own rebellion against harsh traditions. I think she is magnificent and indeed "worth 5 boys", as the Imam of the Great Mosque described her. The President (Prime Minister? Head Bitch in Charge?) of Yemen saw the film and offered to pay for her education, after Najmia's father took her out of school and forced her to wear the veil 7 months after filming concluded. It's a very hopeful film; if a 13 year old in the streets of Yemen can get it, doesn't that mean IT isn't found in those shinyfastsexy things they want us to buy?

+Kitchen: hilarious French short about a woman trying at any and all costs to cook a damn lobster dinner.

+High Falls: short with Peter Sarsgaard, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Ebon Moss-Bachrach. Funny in the way running over your Happy-Ending-indulging husband's dog is funny. Though he is obviously not supposed to be the focus, my favorite character is Jackson, played by Ebon Moss-Bachrach. Overlooking the fact that I find him ridiculously sexy, his involvement in the relationship between Gyllenhaal's and Sarsgaard's characters seems to be what is keeping the marriage afloat (that wordplay will seem more witty once you've seen the film). He is their respective confidant, and often uses his omniscience to agitate the couple, but ultimately he toasts their "simplicity" and effectively steering the two away from a burgeoning fight. I also suspect he may be the father of the baby Gyllenhaal is 7 months pregnant with at the time the story takes place. This is being made into a feature-length film, so hopefully the exchange that sparked that suspicion is clarified.

+Strange Culture: In May of 2004, biological artist Steve Kurtz calls 911 after his wife and co-founder of the Critical Art Ensemble dies of heart failure. Paramedics responding to the call notice petri dishes and lab equipment in the home. Of course, so soon after the attacks of September 11th and the subsequent anthrax scares, all kinds of higher-ups are called, until Kurtz finds himself explaining to an FBI agent that the Arabic writing she had found in his home was an invitation to an art exhibit. And, of course, the expected idiocy of the government in regards to anything they don't have a specialist for lead to Kurtz being arrested and indicted for wire/mail fraud. Which a 5 year old can tell you is just a way to cover their ass. It is a highly recommended watch for everyone, not just artists, because it is a case of a professor, someone even American society respects, being treated like a bioterrorist of the worst degree. All because some paramedic can't tell a hazardous material generator from a fucking petri dish. Don't they have to take science classes too? MAYBE if scientific materials and research were easier to locate, access, and toy with on an individual level (granted measures have been taken to at least verify the basis and sincerity of the scientific curiosity), this wouldn't have happened in the first place. Oh, and the charges weren't dropped until April of THIS year.

+Two Cars, One Night: Short from New Zealand, also being made into a feature-length, also quite remarkable, given the fact that for 12 minutes you're watching the evolution of interaction between 2 8 year old boys and a 10 year old girl. The cinematography is gorgeous, and I always find myself desperately wanting to see more of the characters, to know what happens tomorrow and when they get older. I think I just really like the end credit's song :)

+La Chatte Andalouse: French short film. Honey-harvesting nun helps a dying Andalusian by finishing an art project involving plaster, condoms, and alizarin rose pigment. With an amazing bellydancing scene. What else can I say?

+Madame Tutli-Putli: Canadian animation about a woman on a train. More entertaining than you'd think. Keep an eye out for men in suitcases playing chess, my favorite characters.

+Death to the Tinman: Explains the Tinman's history, and why we find him heartless in Oz.

+American Outrage: Informative and highly depressing film about the struggle of the Shoshone peoples to live the way their moral and natural codes dictate while their land, horses, and cattle are being swallowed by the American government. I STRONGLY recommend viewing this, not enough people have seen an armed authority manhandle an old Native woman, maybe if enough do something will change. Please watch it. I can just see how future generations will be told the pilgrims were actually the first settlers once all traces of real Native history and culture have been razed and sold. Even if you don't care, it's a compelling film about a woman fighting with all she's got to maintain her identity. And isn't that the American way?

+Chonto/Bobby Bird series: Funny as shit animation, won me over in less than a minute. Funny in the way your drunk Uncle Bobby is funny.

+House Hunting: Stars Zooey Deschanel and Paul Rudd. I'm pretty sure this is how it will be if Forrest and I ever have to go house hunting. Funny the way O. Henry is funny. And if you know that reference, you might even know where I'm getting all these movies :)

Another good one to check out is Heavy Metal Jr. Not the best in terms of documentary style but good god if it isn't adorable to see a 10 year old debate whether a lyric should be penned as "Satan rock" or "Satan rocks". Watch out for a past-his-prime father trying to recapture a youth he didn't actually live, and a wicked hot music store employee.

More soon, because summer is half over and the major studios have only been able to put out one good movie. And I don't even think it counts because Pixar ALWAYS puts out gold. They probably take throw-aways from other studios and scribble on them and voila! Toy Story. SO, I'd like to share the films I've been watching to keep my brain from dehydrating.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 07:26:51 GMT

There's this movie, Love and Sex. I found it through OnDemand (my new Jesus). And the first time I watched it, I couldn't help but make obvious comparisons between Adam&Kate and Forrest&Denise. Adam: neurotic painter that ends his relationship with Kate to sow his wild oats, only to find Kate is the only one he wants. Kate: sarcastic writer with horrible luck with men (due to her own inability to differentiate love and sex) that transfers her feelings for Adam to a dim-witted actor, ironically the star of Adam's favorite movies. At times, I'm Adam (neurotic painter: check. pushing away the one person in the entire world that gets you because you want to "be single": CHECK.), but for the most part I'm Kate, outspoken to a fault and constantly searching for real love but coming up short for various reasons. Forrest has a similarly bad track record but he has more of Adam's qualities, especially the offbeat perspective and inherent strength despite internal insecurity about weakness. I've dated other guys in between the first time I dated Forrest and this time, and it's amazing how I really thought I'd find another connection like that. It's like...you know you existed before you met the person, but it seems as if life didn't start until after that crucial moment. He's my best friend, the person I can't wait to see, the lighthearted literary cynic to my increasingly jaded punkrockflowerchild. He is the words and I am the music. Other guys can't seem to get the lyrics right and I'm the only melody he wants to hear. I know things won't always seem so sunshiny, but I'm actually looking forward to fights and bad times, so we can get to the other side of them where the sun shines brighter.

Alright, enough of that. Took a field trip to Dunkin Donuts with Jacob, I enjoyed myself, but I think we both just want a friend like us in the area. The best thing to come of the night was the quote "My elbows feel light" (trust me, it's fucking hilarious). It's easy to latch onto someone you get along with romantically but he's old enough and I'm experienced enough to know when friends is the best option. And he's kind of not my type; he doesn't eat enough junk food. Forrest has a slight addiction to Baconators, which I find absolutely adorable and the perfect match to my addiction to...any bad food you set in front of me haha

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:02:25 GMT

From a young man being asphyxiated in a cell by police (doesn't matter if he was guilty OR if they deny a cop did it) to a mentally ill woman dying alone on the floor of a waiting room after security guards, nurses AND a doctor neglected her, I am thoroughly disgusted with how little anyone in this country cares about anyone else.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?

What if you got a call at lunchtime Sunday, right after whatever religious service you attend, and were informed your son had died while in isolation in police custody? What if your mother, so trusting in the ability and professionalism of the people paid to take care of her, died on the floor of a waiting room, while people looked on and didn't care?

It is time for a goddamn revolution. It's BEEN time, but people have forgotten how. How about we start by fucking paying attention to how horribly people are being treated? GET ANGRY, PEOPLE. Wake the FUCK up. Life is not term papers and grade point averages and drinking games. Maybe to some of you it is, but I like to think there's more. But as long as the majority of you are content playing flip cup and ignoring the dismal state of affairs because it doesn't personally touch your life, then we're going to plunge further into this shithole our country has driven itself into. Land of the free? Free to do what? Go to Disneyland and eat McDonalds? Wow, what freedom! By pledging allegiance to our flag, you TOO can become a slave to corporate consumerism and an economic structure where only white males can really succeed. New plan: Fredericksburg, Philly/Cali for a spell, then getting the fuck out of here and expatriating. I'll test the theory that the US is the greatest country on earth. I beg to differ already but some people like hard evidence, so off I go. Unless of course hell freezes over and we turn this disgusting country around. Because almost 21 years have gone by with NO PROGRESS. In fact, shit's gotten worse. Explain that.

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:35:25 GMT

THAT was really pathetic. Pretending to be a woman? Tsk tsk Brandon, you should know I'm too smart to believe you could get anyone to agree to habitate the same breathing space as you, let alone date your sorry ass. Spam'n'ban! Maybe instead of hounding me all goddamn day, you should figure out how you're going to deal with the fact that your life has indeed changed. Now be a grown-up, accept change, and get over yourself. Good day, sir!

And if you plan on doing the obvious thing and posting the meager information you have about me, go right ahead. Unlike you, I'm honest and forthright about my behavior, so really anything you say will just be a boring redundancy. And you also forget that I have made a life for myself where I'm utterly surrounded in life, love, and employment by people that ::gasp:: don't judge me. Sadly, the same can't be said for you. In fact, you'd be hard to find an art dealer or gallery curator that didn't half expect their artists to be the most internally unstable beings to ever hang art in their space, but again unlike you, I am able to forge relationships and keep my baggage MY OWN. It is a taut, and for some, impossible thread to walk, between impish pixie and self-centered asshole, I have learned how and zip along merrily. You fell off a long time ago, and we both know which side you landed on.

Maybe you should learn to smile more. That's always a good start.

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 19:31:47 GMT

It's funny how desperation takes its toll. I got several phonecalls from one Mr. Pinney while I was at Bonnaroo (more on that amazing time later) because his life is fucked up because he tried to fuck me up. And now wants my sympathy. I changed the posting about how he is a complete fuck-up just so he'd leave me alone. He offered to pay me, but unlike him I can't be bought. I jokingly asked for half a mil and 2 pounds of headies, I should make that my permanent asking price haha

I know you're asking yourselves, "What kind of person acts like a complete asshole to someone and then asks for a favor?" The answer: Mr. Pinney, but it's the behavior of pretty much all NoVa guys, especially those that live in the Arlington area it seems. Well, Dustin was a huuuuge toolbag and he lived in Reston, but that area collects horrible people too. I'm so glad I left that place, I got trapped in that crap for too long.

Ok so Bonnaroo. This might be a long one (and I'll come back and add more as I remember everything).

Days were fun, nights were explosive. Bisco lifted my heart and drove my body to the point of physical insanity. My good friend Molly had a bit of help with that too :) Stomping feet, swinging arms, move your hips side to side. There was a girl I saw at Sigur Ros and Robert Plant that I would have loved to have known. She was a bright star among the masses; I wonder if anyone thought that of me as I danced. I'd like to say that my gyrations incited others to join the dance, but if I needed no motivation, who's to say they didn't either. But I can say that once I started, I noticed the people around me, previously stationary, would slowly dip their toes in the rapid beats, finding a place to move inside the music. Contagious and outrageous. I lied on the grass for Sigur Ros, mind cartwheeling from opium and shrooms. As I finished the poppy joint, a passerby (male) walked over me, passing right through the cloud of sweet smelling smoke hovering above me. One look back to see the source, one phrase exclaimed in immediate approval. "Oh, you are SO fucking awesome." If he'd had the courage, I would have shared. Many passed over me, many caught my eye. Many were caught openly staring (I was wearing a black sundress sans bra). Very few approached. I guess I'm intimidating. In the good way, as most of the ones that did approach me had positive things to say. I was making my way back to camp one night (we were in Camp Roger Murdock, prime location about 10 minutes from Centeroo and 2 minutes from bathrooms and food), beat from another day of dancing with the Roo but ready to gear up for another night of the same. By this time, I've learned how to walk with my head up, instead of keeping my eyes focused on the ground. Then I hear "I like your smile" barely loud enough to hear, but directed at none other than me. I hadn't even realized I'd been smiling.

The vendors seemed to love me. First I met the two cutest little hippie chicks ever selling hats and grinders and other things stoned hippies might want to purchase in the hills of Tennessee. They thought I was the cutuest little hippie chick hah. Very cool. The best vendor experience had to be one of the brewers in the beer garden. Starr Hill beer, brewed right in Charlottesville, VA. Got a sample of both The Love and Northern Lights. Both were FANTASTIC. It's pretty much the beer I've been looking for, light, tasty, sweet, not too much of an aftertaste, just enough to want to take another gulp. Perfect. Anyways, I get the samples and the girl behind the table asks if I'll wear one of their stickers and that I put it "somewhere fun" (free advertisement on a cute girl in a bikini and a skirt never hurts; they actually ran out of Northern Lights). My response is, "Why do I know just where it's supposed to go?", and the girl laughs and slides another sticker over, "How about 2 then?" I'm having a good time and their beer is delicious so I play along and put both stickers strategically on my top. The guy behind the table busts out the Polaroid and takes my picture, my hands on my hips, my hips cocked to the side and a devious smile on my face. His name was Deke, I completely forget her name (Meredith? Beth?). I sent them an email last night, just to praise them for helping make my Bonnaroo so awesome. And to tell them what I'm sure they already know, that their product is phenomenal. Seriously, everyone find some Starr Hill, I'd go so far as to say that their seasonals are better than Sam Adams'. But they do market and produce tastes to please my demographic, so I could be biased. Mayble I'll get some free beer from the email. Or Deke's number :)

Speaking of males, there was this guy at the Bisco set that looked suspiciously like this guy I knew from Uarts' summer program and when we both attended. Brown hair tucked under a bandanna, tie-dye shirt, sandals. I was going crazy dancing and he came up and started dancing close enough that if I turned to my left, we'd technically be dancing together. And I really wanted to but Forrest was there and I didn't want to disrespect him (we talked about that later and lo and behold Forrest knows he can't dance and doesn't care if I dance with those that can). But the way he kept looking back at me made me regret being attached, even as loosely defined as my relationship with Forrest is. I want to dance, and let others dance with me. There was another time a guy seemed to want to approach but wasn't sure if he could. At Sigur Ros, it seemed one guy was going to see just how brave he was, he and his friends sat right by me, he was THE cutest, with blond hair and a gorgeous face, I cursed him for his timing. Just as he sat next to me, Forrest came up (maybe he saw the guys moving in my direction and raced over). I could hear his friends egging him on, telling him to "yank the chain of destiny". I wonder if he'll remember me.

There is one person that I'm sure will remember me. Bill the Drug Dealer haha Forrest's friend Tom met him while he was at camp alone and bought a ton of shit off him for a decent price so he asked Bill to hang around until we got back so we could conduct some business too. Forrest got some stuff, not the rainbow of substances Tom did, but a nice little war chest. I ran into him the next morning by the toilets, he was getting a breakfast steak burrito (he was a rather large man), he almost didn't remember me, then remembered that my friends bought half his shit and came back to our camp to chill out. He gave me 3 hits of acid $20, good guy. We let him pass out under our canopy because he was nice and funny as hell. We didn't see him again after that, we think he just sold the rest of his shit and went home. Tom found organic headies the last day though (the only thing he didn't have was weed, he had hash, opium, acid, coke, and shrooms). So all's well that ends well.

Tom's friends were cute and funny. I thought the brunette from Boston (Mark? Mike?) and the blonde superhippie (Pete?) were absolutely adorable. As the days went by I came to appreciate Aaron, the only one whose name I can actually remember with certainty and the one that gave me the Molly the night of Bisco. Because of him I danced for 3 hours straight. The other guy didn't really talk to me, I actually didn't see him except for the first day and right when they were about to leave. Aaron totally had a crush on me :) And I caught Tom staring at my tits more than once. Hell more than 10 times haha

311 is going to be ridiculous. Dance dance dance dance I love to dance :)

I should go to Camp Bisco this year, it's looking sick.

Who I saw at Bonnaroo:
Vampire Weekend, Dark Star Orchestra, Umphrey's McGee, Bela Fleck, the very very very end of Willie Nelson, Chris Rock, My Morning Jacket, DISCO BISCUITS, Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings, Gogol Bordello, BB KING, Ben Folds, The Coup, Sigur Ros, Israel Vibration, Robert Randolph, Yonder Mountain String Band, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, and motherfucking Widespread Panic.

AND I SAW EMI SAVACOOL, who I haven't seen since freshman year of college! She was sitting right next to me during Gogol Bordello. She walked by and we both kind of checked each other out, then freaked out when we realized who the other was. Good stuff :)

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 22:42:46 GMT

I am so glad I don't have to call this dumb-dumb Mrs. Nick Hexum. Good boy, Nick! HOT MESS

Seriously, if they'd gotten married I'd go to every 311 show with a t-shirt that said "Why, Nick, WHY???" And his ass would know EXACTLY what I'm talking about too. And yes, my ass is addicted to gossip blogs, the gay men that write them are fucking hilarious :)

Remember this kid?

Tue, 13 May 2008 15:01:37 GMT

I'm talking about from his days as an Animorph, even though X-men DID do him good.

Ohhh I'd let him do ME good ok I'm done ha

http://perezhilton.com/2008-05-12-yum-to-the-yum <--clicky clicky (or copy and pastey)

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:29:33 GMT

I think I've finally (sort of) found a good balance for myself. Being raised in a European country during my formative years definitely took its toll on me; I can't bring myself to work a "real" job for more than 4-6 months at a time until I need to nourish other parts of my life. I do like to work, it establishes great social skills and brings me into contact with a ton of different kinds of people, the kind that smoking pot and being an artist normally wouldn't. But then I get itchy feet and need to find a sunny state to maintain a...sunny state ha. But the key to my personal success is getting something significant to my artistic growth done before I let myself...indulge my lunatic ;) I completed to my satisfaction, or as close as it as I've ever come, an acrylic painting that I'm sure I could bullshit someone into buying. Not saying it's a masterpiece, just that there's an idiot born every minute. Anyways, I did that and then took a week off to just...have fun. The challenge will be to sit my ass down and focus on Bongoddess when I get back. Which will be easy because I looooove that piece and I'm excited to get knee-deep in it. I'm actually excited to get back and work on it, which is something no school assignment has ever done. Cool. Very cool.

I have a date next Thursday. We both know it's nothing serious, it's just an opportunity to get all cute and eat on someone else's dime :) But Bryan (from Carlyle) sent me a message the other day, and I can only wonder why he felt the need to do so...

It is hard work living a life of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. It's easy to follow someone else's plan, to do what everyone else before you has done. To believe, as your father and grandfather and so forth believed, that one must forget personal happiness to become responsible and relevant. Rather, it's a personal responsibility to find a relevant happiness. Finding happiness in things that won't do anything to make your life better is wasted energy and not worth the time spent. But finding happiness in things that will benefit your universe and by default everyone else's, that is the meaning. That is truly exhausting because it is the work of the mind, body, AND soul. Booyow.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:34:29 GMT

Dear Aspie:
“I haven't been in a long-term relationship for about six years. I've tried some dating, but by the time I feel that I have successfully secured a relationship, more often than not I realize that I haven't taken the time to get to know the woman and she's not what I had believed she was and I bail out. So how do I continue to "bust a move", convincing a woman that I'm worth her while when I feel like I need her to show me who she is as well? I seem to have a knack for finding the women that tell me that they love me after knowing me for less than a week. I feel so screwed, so damned to be dateless. Why bother? Except I am lonely, and I hate it.”

--littleoctagon

If science’s forays into human behavior have taught us anything, it is that our behavior has a mind-boggling complexity to it. This includes aspies.

One almost magical pattern that nevertheless has a scientific basis is the idea that we “pull in” certain types of people. It’s like relationship karma. Everybody has seen it: the man who says he wants a committed relationship but can’t seem to refrain from hooking up one-night stands. Or how about the sweet woman who swears she wants a nice guy but dates one abusive jerk after another?

You’ve spotted a pattern like this in yourself. You’re pulling in women who will pretend to be something they are not so that they can immediately enjoy the shelter of a man’s love. As an aspie, you’re a sucker for such a ruse, because you don’t sense the game they are playing intuitively. You jump in, and only then does it dawn on you that the pool is full of maple syrup.

So that leaves us with your last question: “Why bother?” Well, maybe your pattern is a way for your subconscious (so to speak) to sabotage a relationship you don’t really want. Ask yourself, “I say I want a relationship, but I’m not making it happen, either because the relationship is bad or not there at all. Is it really what I want?” You may find that you really don’t want a relationship right now and are seeking one only because these days the entire developed world is in a frenzy over sex, egged on by advertising, entertainment, the Internet, and wacko social norms.

If you do want a relationship, then I recommend changing the one thing you seek to change in others: be up-front and truthful about yourself. Rather than trying to “bust a move”, as you put it, be yourself—to a fault. Be kind, but let your true nature come out in full view, and say what you think.

Now, many women will be turned off, since most people can’t handle autistic behavior. It’s too honest and too raw. This will be difficult for you to bear at first. But a few women will be drawn to the real you, the honest, childlike, beautiful you. They’ll find you fresh and exciting. These women will be different, not the ones you’ve pulled in before, the ones who compulsively seek to be sheltered and taken care of at the expense of everything else. No, these will be strong women, ones who esteem honesty. And they will have the desire to show you their true selves just as you’ve shown yourself to them. You will have an entirely new basis for relationships.

It takes courage for an aspie to show his true self to others. It goes against a lifetime of hiding and shame, because we think everyone would rather see an act we put on. But the act is pulling in relationships you don’t want. So bear it all and break the pattern. We’ll be rooting for you!

*****************************************

Browsing through forums, very pertinent article to understand the contradictions in my own relationships. It is a very hard lesson to learn when you finally are completely yourself and discover 98% of the world you find yourself in just can't take the intensity of your sincerity. Pussies.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:41:19 GMT

So much anxiety. Because soon my parents will see just how foolish, immature, DUMB I am and the silence that follows will be just like high school. This is a Test, mom and dad. Probably THE test for us; in the face of your daughter at her worst, will you look upon her with shame, disgust, anger? Or will you realize a child is not a science experiment that can either fail or succeed, but a person -- a severely flawed person -- but a person nonetheless and just as you weren't given instructions on how to raise me, I wasn't given any on how to BE me. I honestly don't know who had the harder task.

My dad just wrote me a note, talking about how good people always have detractors trying to bring them down. Little do either of them know that the way they handle this situation will dictate whether they are among those ranks. If they yell, curse, belittle, sigh, do the huffpuffteethsuck (that I HATE, mom), then as sure as I'll hear those heavy footsteps back and forth, up and down the hall, I will formulate a plan to put as much distance possible between myself and the walking orchestra of maternal disappointment as fast as all the wheels and cogs in my head will spin. The obvious destination is Philadelphia. But...as much as I love that city and all the people that love me there (Melissa is a lot like me so she's helped me understand myself in a way that ISN'T isolated from everyone else), every time I let my mind wander to thoughts of putting my feet in different streets, I wonder if maybe I should give Arizona another shot...

wishes

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:41:48 GMT

I wish we could magically erase the past month. At least the past week.

I wish someday in the future, that should I dare to dial your number, your voice will answer and our friendship can find new life in older, smarter people.

I wish that the last time we had sex wasn't a half-assed effort where I didn't even get off.

I wish I didn't miss the parts of you I was shown when I was agreeable or whatever you want to call the period of happiness I also wish we both experienced.

I wish I hadn't met you, but I can't imagine how I would have spent this time without you. I wish I didn't miss those parts of you because I know what you think of me and how you see me now and I can't help but wonder how two people could spend so much time together with only one person actually listening and learning about the other.

I wish you didn't have to be so angry all the time. And that everything didn't have to suck or be shitty. There are times for anger and frustration, yes, but you were growing increasingly negative. And then wondered why I huddled under a blanket with a book after a while. You didn't want me to be aggressive, yet always threw out negative or aggressive comments or taunts.

I know damn well you never cared one bit about me so really, I wish I never cared about you. That's how you're able to hurt me, you know you feel nothing towards me but I did at some point care very deeply for you. I have learned to ignore the temptation of reminiscing happier days. Entire days I spent with you, blind with the bliss of you wanting me around. Sitting in your tub, pretending I belonged there. Waking up to you wrapping one of us around the other, I thought for closeness and intimacy, now I know just for the warmth. Collapsing on your bed and instantly being surrounded by the way you smell. The way you used to actually smile sometimes.

"There's nothing wrong with your face, I just meant that when you smile, it...glows."

A note on Mr. Pinney

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:06:32 GMT

One Mr. Pinney was a seller of marijuana and ecstasy, with distributors and buyers in New Hampshire, MD, and VA (despite currently being on probation for possession) at the time and date of this entry. He owns a handgun, that he has threatened myself and family members with (unprovoked, he sent numerous texts during this day just to inform me that he feels it necessary to shoot me on-sight). He beat the fuck out of me today, after damaging property of mine and tried to say I deserved what I got, worse even, as he only "hit me open-palmed and should have fucking killed me".

And I definitely have written statements, from Mr. Pinney to myself that confirm these allegations.

Consider this a public service announcement.

Must. Get. To. Toronto.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 23:02:48 GMT

http://www.medicalcompassionclinic.com/default.aspx?TabID=19998

A fucking APPLICATION?? AND PMS IS ONE OF THE ELIGIBLE SYMPTOMS. Such a better option than fucking Midol with its amphetamines, shit fucks your body up. And Health Care is free so I can just stroll into a clinic, complain of agonizing cramps, fill out the application and fill my prescription.

Have I mentioned recently how much I hate the US's dependency on the cotton industry? Hemp is far superior. Introduce that and legalization isn't far behind. But there are always people that think that just because they don't like having fun that no one else should be able to make the choice to have fun either. And they usually have a lot of money. Because their greedy asses don't give it to the arts and those that need it more, like us "poor hippies" do. They aren't even contributing to the ECONOMY anymore, the place they fucking got the money in the first place, so we're ALL fucked haha

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 03:42:04 GMT

Oh goddammit.

Went to see a band play. Innocent.

Danced to the music they played. Innocent.

Caught eyes with the bassist a couple times. Innocent.

Smiled back when he smiled at me. Innocent.

Giggled at his flirting, and did some of my own. Still Innocent.

Got his number. Innocent.

The conversation we just had. NOT Innocent. AT ALL. It was just more flirting of the "Do you know what I'd do to you" variety. But STILL!

He's DAMN cute though. And knows what Illadelph and Disco Biscuits and Allgood are. And blows glass. Not fair. Or maybe this is my consolation prize, as awful as it is to call him that. I can't have Brandon through no fault of my own so I'm being given an easy target.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:32:41 GMT

I get it. But does my willingness to accept the situation equate to readiness to accept the fact that I can't change the situation? Am I giving up just because I know there is no possible outcome that would declare me as the winner? Is it still considered failure? Am I even the one losing?

Yes.

Because I'm the only one that would appreciate the fruits of a more intimate endeavor. You don't wonder how sweet it could be, how lush life could be. You are happy merely taking what may appear to be the most flavorful and useful parts. It is terribly frustrating being an apple when everyone wants a pomegranate? And I'm a damn good apple too...

It doesn't matter how smart I am, how cute I am, how many times I make you laugh. I can't make you see me as anything more than some 20 year old that you keep for entertainment value.

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:02:23 GMT

GO AWAY BRANDON!!! You nosy bitch. =)

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 00:48:28 GMT

Go to Google. Search the term "stone and steel sculpture". The very first response. That's where I'm going. To work. And live.

Crazy.

I'm going to stay at least until the fall; I still have every intention of moving back to my beloved Philadelphia. But this is the best opportunity I, as a dropout, could ever hope to have at this stage. Steve has a ton of materials and tools, and I get to keep whatever I make. I get my own house on 10,000 acres. I'm a stone's throw from Wintergreen ski resort, so I can keep snowboarding. I can stay as long or as little as I want. And Steve sounds pretty awesome from our conversations. I'm excited :)

The Kids Next Door grand finale episode is on and it's better than any sitcom or dramatic series finale. Having to get a sabertooth pie as part of a scavenger hunt to win a birthday cake? A character named Count Spankulot? Genius. Hahahaha a talking toilet called Potty Mouth just called the cake a doody-filled poo poo cake! I love children's television.

Tomorrow I hope to print out the film from Great Falls. Why does it seem like Carlyle was holding me back? Because they were haha, I never wanted to do things like I do now. Fuck what everyone says. I'd rather live like a broke-ass nomad than do that routine one more day. I just can't do it. I don't need monetary security. I don't need job status. I don't need promotions. I don't need an employee number to punch in and out with everyday. I don't need a general manager, an assistant general manager, a slew of incompetant sub-managers, AND a lead hostess feeding me the same bullshit every time they open their mouths. And now I get the exquisite pleasure of walking in there and saying "I'm not coming back; I hate it here and what this company REALLY stands for". I would love to say I'm going to walk in there and tell them to fuck themselves, but they know what Sylvia looks like and I know she likes it there.

I met Adam, by the way. He's pretty cool, he reminds me of someone I had an intense crush on in Philly. Gap in his teeth and everything...

Oh my god, there's an amusement park about potty training in the cartoon. And a ride called the Drop-a-Log. Why, oh why, must Kids Next Door be over???

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 01:09:36 GMT

I woke up this morning actually WANTING to do something. Something productive. And I actually did it. I woke up pretty much right when it started snowing and all I could think about was how Great Falls would look covered in snow.

Gorgeous. I actually wasn't ready for how beautiful it would look. I shot two rolls of film there and took a few digital shots around my neighborhood and in the car on the way home. I drove up to the gate and the guy was like "What are you planning on doing here today?!" I said I wanted to take some pictures and he let me in free!! I put my money in the donation box anyways, gotta keep places like that alive to keep people like me alive. I'm going to go to Glen Echo Park rec center tomorrow and print these out. I have a lot of work to do in just 3 weeks, I canNOT let myself procrastinate or fall behind. I'm going to finish my paintings and the drawing too.

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:58:08 GMT

He is NOT perfect. He stood me up. I'm sure there is some logical explanation (how big of an asshole would a guy be to confirm a date he plans on not attending?), but it still sucks. Tommy wants to get my mind off of him by hooking me up with his friend Adam (they both work at Ski Liberty), but if it was just about getting guys, I wouldn't have a problem. He swears Adam's a nice guy; Bryan swore he was a nice guy. But Tommy actually is a nice guy so....no, no thinking that way. He said I would at least meet him on Saturday because that's their overlap day. Eh, we'll see. If he's got Tommy's approval he's at least going to be fun to be around.

Many pictures will be taken over the next few weeks. This time I'll actually put them online and let you all see :)

Fooooood.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 02:14:47 GMT

Bryan Edwards is absolutely going to fall in love with me. He has no choice in the matter, I have already decided. I think he's already halfway there so it's not like he doesn't want to. I didn't have to work last night but he did so when I took Shane on the liquor run we stopped by Carlyle and it was already crazy. Everyone was in the weeds but I spotted Bryan right by the bar and he saw me and immediately stopped what he was doing. When he says things like "I'd rather talk to you than my guests any day", I don't know if it's just a line or if he means it. I sent him a message through Hotschedules (he washed his SIM card and thus doesn't have a phone right now), I'm hoping if we start talking there, it will provide a place to talk outside of work. We are taking the babiest of baby steps right now. He couldn't come hang out like we wanted (his in-time was 4 and didn't get off until 2). 10 hours on a pm shift on New Years Eve would make me anti-social too. Shane was talking shit about him not coming over until I told him that. He used to work at Carlyle so he knows how it can be. I hope hope hope we actually hang out on Thursday.

I spent the night drinking/burning/playing poker at L's house, with Shane and sometimes Antony and sometimes James. I dominate in poker. Or rather I bet high when I'm high and know I have at least a halfway decent hand and it always comes out in my favor. And I thought I had to work tonight. Found out I didn't when I drove L to work. Proceeded to sleep all day. I seriously just woke up 30 minutes ago.

I've really taken to the acoustic my parents got me. It's a Washburn Lyon, and the sound is so perfect for my style. I started writing songs again, and they're unsurprisingly a lot better than what I used to write in high school.

2007 was interesting. I'll be 21 this year. I think I spent the last year preparing myself for being thrust into the life that entails. I will have more options available to me, things will be easier to access, and I won't have anyone to blame or turn to if I get in trouble. Ew responsibility haha

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 05:46:27 GMT

Part One (written Saturday night):
My sister had her babies!! Two little boys, Braylen and Kellen Kilpatrick. She wasn't due for another week or so but her blood pressure was skyrocketing and the only way to ensure Sylvia and the babies would be ok was to perform a Caesarean. So December 22 is my nephews' birthday. Strange how the number 2 seems to surround them. Their mother is 28. Their aunts are 20 and 23. There are 2 of them. Born on the 22nd day of the 12th month. I'll think more about this later.

I've been thinking about starting Tiger (foodrunner) training. I really only like 2 of the 15 hostesses I work with, Barbara and Sagan (my Barbie and my Sagalicious). I like pretty much everyone on the serving and tiger staff. The hostesses are nice, but they get really bitchy really fast and they actually made a girl quit recently because they formed a little clique against her. They are petty and most of the time really annoying. I'm always in the kitchen or on the floor because I hate having to stand there with them and try to make small talk. Talking to the servers/tigers is really easy, as they are less judgmental (and more intelligent) than most of the hostesses. I guess that's because there is more availability for diversity than with us. There are 3 times as many servers than hostesses; 3 times as many different personalities. With more diversity, there is greater acceptance of said diversity. Minus the two girls I mentioned, all the girls behind the host stand are pretty much clones. Ashley is Amanda is Mirenda is Alicia is Shannon. I'll talk to Dave and Josh about it. Q overheard me talking to Barbie and Bryan (more on Bryan and I later) about it and said he would talk to Josh too. That's a perfect example of why I'd prefer the switch. If I had said that around a hostess, she would have had a reaction along the lines of "Hm, that's nice. Let's talk about something pointless and trite. Or make inside jokes with each other and exclude people we don't want in on them". In fact, tonight Shannon decided to take me off greeting instead of coach me on what I need to do to get better at it. And then she said I could go home. I spoke with Dwight about it (partly because I know Dwight hates Shannon and likes me) and he gave me some good advice. I still think I'd be happier Tigering. We'll see.

Ok. Since I'm sure you're dying to know. Bryan. We keep flirting with the idea of acknowledging our attraction to each other, but both of us know it's inappopriate to discuss it at length at work. He did however request that we chill Thursday when he found out that's a day off for both of us. Naturally I geeked out and told Barbie. She says he told her that he does like me but wouldn't talk to her about it. He asked me to make him a special gift card and I made it good for "one request from the recipient". He has told me things he wanted to make it for, but won't tell me what he really wants until Christmas Eve (we're both on for doubles). I asked him about it tonight during one of my million excursions to my sanctuary of the kitchen. He smiled, kept doing what he was doing (I caught him in the middle of ringing up an order), and said he had decided but couldn't think about it right now. That's got to mean it's good, right? He doesn't seem like the type to build up all this suspense and then be an asshole. His first idea was a movie date with me (cuuuute), his second idea was to use his request to help a tiger that has/had a crush on me get me (admirable, but not cuuuuute haha). Third time's the charm, right? Monday needs to get here faster. Like now.

Part Two (written Sunday night):
I swear to god if this request isn't worth the suspense, I'm going to kill him.
Work was...work. My last shift of selling gift cards this year. Bryan gave me a big hint that his request would at least be good. He said he was waiting until Christmas Eve in hopes that the closer to Christmas he asked, the greater the chance I would say yes to whatever he asked. What is this, Love Actually?! I chilled with Antony, Liz, and Shane after work. It reminded me a lot of chilling with Melissa and Eddie. I guess I don't mind a year of dealing with assholes and shitheads if at the last hour I get hit with real people who are actually good friends (instead of just pretending to be) and Bryan. :)

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 05:00:44 GMT

So at work there is this server I have kind of started to really like. And today he grabs my elbow and tells my he likes me. BEFORE he had any clue how I felt. And he pretty much told me he plans on asking me out. Too bad we're always stuck at Carlyle all the time. At least we're stuck there together. That's how Tim and Katherine ended up married haha. He is 25, he reads Chomsky, he listens to allllllllllllll of my music. He has blue eyes (my faaaavorite) and curly brown hair. For christ's sake, he makes me spell things with superfluous letters. I am trying to not let the negative thoughts in, if they even get one foot in the door, they will ruin everything. I just can't believe he is being honest, and forward, and clear in his intentions. I can't think thoughts like "What is REALLY going on?", "Why is he REALLY talking to me?". Not anymore. He doesn't seem capable of being mean. He....isn't an asshole. Oh dear god. I've done it. I've finally gotten a very nice boy to be genuinely interested in me. Holy fuck.

In this year, I dropped out of college, moved to Virginia due to death threats, dated an airman in Iraq, bought a sweet ass longboard, bought a sweet ass bong, saw Incubus TWICE, fell in love a few times, fell out of love just as many, realized that high school was indeed over and the subsequent lifting of the pressure of seeing them everyday ended my "friendship" with pretty much everyone I went to said high school with (including the people I considered my best friends), discovered several mind altering substances, discovered the utopian grocery experience that is Wegman's, ended my last year as a teenager, learned that love from 6000 miles away can indeed be stronger than love 2 states away, learned how to say no, and somewhere in there I apparently got hot. You don't even want to know what else I got up to this year.

I don't make resolutions. When your normal life is this busy, who has the energy for resolutions?

19 was a good year. 20 was better. 21 has the ability to be the best yet, or piss all my work to make my life happier away. I had, and still have, plans to move to Philly at the end of this lease. If Bryan (the server) and I get together and it works out that we stay together for a while, what then? I always do this to myself. I always manage to create conflict in my life, no matter how hard I try to create harmony. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. Harmony can't be created, forced into reality. It has to come naturally, as a result of every energy inside of you working together perfectly. Physical, mental, and spiritual. My early to mid-teenage years were chaotic and angry because all three were actually working against each other. The first step for me was to fix the spiritual; I rejected the boundaries of organized religion and said "Fuck you, Nazi Pope". No one can tell me the pleasures I find in life are evil and I have to pray to a one-dimensional god figure for forgiveness. I refused to apologize for enjoying the things that make me a unique individual and life started getting better. Next, as I learned more and more about the central message of every faith, I let go of my mental volatility. I'm still fucking crazy, but when I am sad now I don't turn it inward and punish myself (as I had when under spiritual duress). I found that a lot of my mental problems stem from being overly sensitive to the world's anger. I can't for the life of me understand why war and infanticide and genocide and racism and homophobism have to exist at all. When I am reminded that there are people that have the capacity to not only accept those things but condone, lobby for them, it deeply depresses me. Especially in this area, where every politician has some agenda to abolish or ban or kick out or cut funding. I still obsess over my depression, but now I use it to create. With photography I'm trying to comment on the atrocities we bestow upon each other daily, and the simple, beautiful things that no one notices anymore that could make all the difference in changing the mood of the world. When I paint, I am trying to show how the world would look if I had designed it. Then when I got alllllll that figured out, I guess I got hot haha the end.

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:34:45 GMT

Spending time with Christian is weird. Because our lives are so different yet exactly the same. He wanted to take me to Neiman Marcus but I refused, what reason or location in my current life requires me to dress like that? And this isn't Pretty Woman, motherfucker.

I am learning not to trust him though. The 2 days we spent at my place, he blew off a few people to stay longer. So I know if I try to get ahold of him and get some excuse, it means he's in the company of someone more desirable. This will be an exercise in not getting attached.

Which brings me to a bigger thing I've been thinking about lately. I don't think about it intentionally, I just keep getting the feeling I'm supposed to be doing something, or figuring out how to do something. But I can't do that here. Everything that has happened to me since becoming an adult has lead me to conclude that whatever I'm supposed to do will not be done here. I have something different inside me than the people here. It is so depressing here, no one loves unless there is something to gain. No one does things for the joy of it. Think about it. Senators don't do that shit because it makes their hearts flutter. They do it for status, power, prestige. This area is so cold and disappointing. Its the nations capitol, where every value that built america should be concentrated tenfold, but I've found it is here that holds the least of those values. I need to go somewhere where people don't lie simply because its easier than telling the truth. Where its not stupid to want to actually help those that need it without expecting anything in return. I understand there is no utopia on earth, but there are places better than here. I'll just keep looking until I find MY utopian society.